u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
