Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize