I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
