its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize