Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
