don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
don't judge my taste in strippers
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
