Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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