mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize