After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
