Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
