Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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