so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
being pregnant is like rehab
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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