i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
