Swine flu. Run for my life!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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