You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
