Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
