I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
