Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You are a genius and a whore.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
