I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
