I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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