My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
