Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
