First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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