I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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