I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
