Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
