Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
