Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
