Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
