Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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