What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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