if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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