Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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