i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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