I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
