i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
