the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
