yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
