I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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