is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
