Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
