I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
