I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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