Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
