highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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