just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
