Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
