"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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