Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
