If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
