just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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