dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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