Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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