If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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