you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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