um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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