I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She's the barista slut.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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