you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
