did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize