It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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