The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
