This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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