Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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