It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my shit smells like andre
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
