Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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