I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
