I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
