Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
