I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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