he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize