You really coming over, don't trick.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
