Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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